I cautiously approached what I genuinely believed at the time to be an angel; the ethereal glow of moonlight on this figure made them seem like something from another world. And it is a testament to my mental state at the time that I believed that this ‘angel’ was here to slay me rather than to save me. At this point, coming to the false understanding that I was about to die, I found my lips curl into the nasty sort of grin a criminal might have before finding a victim to mug. At long last, I was to meet my reckoning. It even flickered through my mind that this was God’s final gift of salvation for me.
But unfortunately the angel was not there to slay me, and instead I found a lanky boy whose hair from behind looked remarkably like Gabriel’s, and so I believed in earnest that this was Gabriel. So, only a few feet behind this figure now, I said softly, “Gabriel.” And this mysterious figure turned to look at me with incredible speed, and indeed it was Gabriel! Or so I believed at the time. The only difference was in the eyes; although they both shared the same brown color, Gabriel’s eyes buzzed with warmth, while this stranger’s brown eyes somehow glittered as if covered in frost. Perhaps it was just the play of the moonlight, but I could sense in his eyes a depth that had escaped Gabriel’s comprehension.
“I see you have met my brother Gabriel,” he said, staring at me intensely. I stopped and stood only a few paces from him now. His unwavering gaze made me uncomfortable. I did not like how he left this silence between us, as if he expected me to fill it. The audacity! I did not like this man one bit, whether he was Gabriel’s brother or not.
We stared at each other in silence for literal minutes. I am not sure what he was trying to say, but he was as defiant as I was stubborn, and so we were locked in a battle of the will for much longer than I could tolerate. His concentration was unyielding and furious; it seemed his eyes could bore through even diamond if he stared long enough. So I capitulated, if only to pass the play back to him. “Yes.” I said.
He continued to assault me with his steadfast stare. And at this point I was convinced he was judging me, like he was peering into my soul to see if I had any worth. I did not get the impression he liked what he saw.
He clicked his tongue, which I somehow was able to understand indicated dissatisfaction. “And what did he tell you to believe?”
“In God and his heavenly kingdom.”
He clicked his tongue again. “You must forgive my brother,” he said, “for Gabriel has not been cursed with much intelligence. And this lack–which really is a boon–has allowed him to cultivate a soft, warm soul, like a baby that has not yet been weaned from the breast. His spirituality is built on a foundation of weakness–on a retribution not here and now but in a life yet to come. He cannot see deeply enough to penetrate to truth.” He clicked his tongue again. “But look at you. Something has shattered inside of you, and I can see you are intelligent enough to perceive the faintest glimmer of truth. Tell me, stranger–why are you here at this ungodly hour?”
I shuffled my feet nervously. I felt like a schoolboy being punished by the dean. “Because the faith Gabriel had delivered to me was crushed under the weight of my existence, and I felt indignant and angry about it.”
He raised one eyebrow. “So you came here to lambaste God, in all of His glory.”
“Yes,” I said.
He chuckled. “Then you are on the right path, and God would commend you for it.”
I looked at him incredulous. “You are telling me God would commend me for coming here to berate him?”
“Yes.”
“That doesn’t make any sense.”
“Only because you do not understand the truth. And perhaps it is not in your nature to understand. Perhaps you are bound to circle around it for all eternity, never to find the salvation you so desperately crave.”
What an edgy fellow, I thought to myself. “What kind of tormented God would create me like that?”
He chuckled again. “Tormented might be just the right word.”
“I don’t understand you at all.”
“Nor will you ever. But if it is your duty to not understand, then it is my duty to teach. I too have an absurd existence, and I have been carved mercilessly through suffering and pain. In many ways I do not understand either. But I understand more than you; this much is clear to me. If there is one thing I could tell you to understand, it is this–do not expect to understand. Reality does not conform to the bounds of rationality. And the more this impresses upon you, the more profound you will become. That is, if you do not snap like a twig somewhere along the way.”
“So when will I become happy? How will I overcome my cowardliness?”
He chuckled again, but I had the distinct sense there was some strange sort of love underlying it. “You sweet summer child. The path does not take you towards happiness. Now sit with me, and let God’s presence impress upon you a little bit more.”
So I sat with him on the pew for the next hour with my head bowed in silence. And when the moonlight fell on the image of Christ’s face, he got up wordlessly to leave.
“But wait!” I said. “I didn’t even get your name!”
He looked at me as if I were a petulant child.
“Ezekiel.”
“Jacob.”
And with that he left me alone with my thoughts.